the end of mercedes' birthday week!

hey guys! this is just a quick blogpost on the end of mercedes' birthday week! mercedes had a GREAT birthday week. each day brought new festivities! today's festivities are talked about in the video along with some other things. i hope you enjoy the video and i look forward to talking to you later!

a video update =-)

hey guys! SO...i'm trying something a little new. this blog entry is actually a video! i know, crazy! it's kind of long; i apologize for that. but it's an update with what the church is learning here in boston, what's going on with city year and what i'm actually doing, and last but not least, what's going on with me and what i'm learning. feel free to listen to the video in parts. it's 15 and a half minutes long (i know, i know). but it is an update, so chalk it up to that. i love you! i miss you! enjoy!

ps. the next ones will DEFINITELY be shorter =-) and sorry about the delay!

a new year...

as promised, the lyrics to "times" by tenth avenue north =-) i suppose i should write a quick blurb. this song is amazing! to me the song really describes the internal struggle within a relationship with God. when i hear this song, i honestly think of my relationship with God and just how complicated it can get because of the battle between my heart and my mind, what i know and what i feel. it reminds me of romans 7:21-25a

"so i find this law at work: although i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. what a wretched man i am! who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

see, the amazing thing is that no matter what i'm feeling or thinking or what conflicts are going on in between my head and my heart, God has delivered me through Jesus. and as encouraging as that is, sometimes i don't know that, or acknowledge that. but what i'm learning--and what i intend on learning even more this year--is how prayer allows me to acknowledge God's "ever-present help". so here you go! enjoy the song. and happy new year =-) oh! and i would LOVE to hear about some of the things that you're looking forward to or are planning on working on in 2011 too! until then..."times".

i know i need You.

i need to love You.

i love to see You; 

but it's been so long.

i long to feel You.

i feel this need for You.

and i need to hear You;

is that so wrong?

now You pull me near You.

when We're close i fear You.

still i'm afraid to tell You all that i've done.

are You done forgiving?

can you look past my pretending, Lord?

i'm so tired of defending what i've become?

what have i become?


i hear You say

"My love is over, it's underneath,

it's inside, it's in between;

the times you doubt Me, when you can't feel,

the times that you question, 'is this for real? '

the times you're broken,

the times that you mend;

the times that you hate Me and the times that you bend;

well, My love is over, it's underneath,

it's inside, it's in between.

these times you're healing and when your heart breaks,

the times that you feel like you're falling from grace;

the times you're hurting,

the times that you heal,

the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal;

the times of confusion, in chaos and pain,

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame;

I'm there through your heartache,

I'm there in the storm,

My love I will keep you by My pow'r alone.

I don't care where you fall, where you have been;

I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.

it never ends."

"you are what has been done for you"

perhaps we're bound by the sound of the beast in our own voices

telling us that we will never be that which He calls and believes us to be

that which He sent His son to die for

once for all

all the world

all our sins

all my sin

perhaps it is he who, speaking to us in the guise of our own voices,

lies to our faces

in the spaces where His truth has not yet penetrated deep enough

to fill the cracks of doubt.

he lies in our own voice

leaving us with no choice but to believe one of two things:

either 

we're lying to ourselves and we are in fact the beast,

or

the lie is no lie at all, but in fact the truth

neither of which identifies the real culprit:

satan himself.

"you will never be what He knows you can be."

"your potential will always be wasted."

"you are only as valuable as your talents."

"your worth comes from what makes you different from others."

"if He really knew you..."

"you are the problem."

"if any one really knew you..."

"you are unlovable."

"you'll never be beautiful enough."

"He cannot be trusted with your dreams."

"He cares about others more than He cares about you."

"you are and will always be a let-down to Him."

"hide

your

self"

i hear myself say.

and on and on

and on and on

and on 

and on 

and on.

so...

what lies does he tell you in your own voice?

dispel them with the Truth.

“Your potential will be realized as you allow My Spirit to live through you.” 
“You are as valuable as the blood of Jesus.”
“Your worth comes from what I’ve done for you. “

“I do know you.”

"you are not the problem; sin is."

“if anyone really knew you, they would have the opportunity to show you a glimpse of how I love you.”

“You are loved by Me.”

“all beautiful you are My darling…”

“I give dreams.”

“I do not show favoritism…”

“you are the joy set before Me.”

“shine

your

light.”
His word must trump the lies,

though loud those lies may be

perhaps i need to trade my eyes for a pair that really sees

i could continue to see myself through the lens of the father of lies

but therein lies the problem

a problem He has solved.

i am not what i do or what i can do

i am not my past faults or mistakes

i am not my past successes or triumphs

or my present ones for that matter

no

i am not what i have done

i am what has been done for me

Jesus died on the cross for me

for me

and though assaulted daily i may be

that is the truth that trumps them all

my worth and value rest in what can never be reversed

through Jesus, God has declared my worth.

hey all! one of my friends from work helped me discover this online playlist module called grooveshark. it's like pandora except you create your own playlist so that the songs that play are songs that you have directly chosen, not just songs that the computer decides you may like. needless to say, i love it. anywayz, i was in jersey for the past week and my first morning there, i woke up feeling really uneasy. my mind was all over the place, as was my heart, and i was having a hard time quieting my emotions. surprise surprise. so i decided to create a playlist. i titled it "refocus" and found a bunch of tenth avenue north songs that i added to the list, along with some other things. while i was listening to my newly formed playlist and writing in my journal, song after song began to refocus my mind and heart on the truths about God--that He cares about me, that He's always there with me, that, though i may feel it strongly, i am not rejected, that i am not alone and He understands, and so on and so forth. well, as i was finishing up my time with God, what i thought was a song i had added began to play. it was in fact an audio blog entry from the lead singer of tenth avenue north, mike. he talked about the title of one of their albums, "the light meets the dark"

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/song?q=the%20light%20meets%20the%20dark%20pre-sale

(this is the link, just run your cursor by the first one on the list and click on the play button to the left of it) and, though everything he said resonated with me, one thing that he said has continued to float around my heart and head. he said "you are not what you do; you are what has been done for you." he spoke about how this gives us the freedom to be because we no longer have to be concerned with how we look to other people. the idea that when we realize what and who our identity lies in, we are able to bring our darkness into the light, allowing people to see what we know and what He knows about us already: that we are messed up. that when we connect our value and worth to our actions we live in fear of what we do before people because they will relate those things to who we are. for me, i relate so much of my worth to what i do and what i'm capable of. it's a vicious trap that makes my worth contingent on others and ultimately feeds the insatiable appetite of my insecurity. and it's a lie. one of satan's many lies that i'm sure he uses on other people besides me. the truth is that i am what has been done for me. and that is both comforting and humbling and points me in the direction of Jesus. so yea, i wanted to share that with you guys and to encourage you too. you are not what you do or have done or will do; you are what has been done for you. and i am learning that there is much freedom in that. 

oh! and if you want to listen to some more of mike from tenth avenue north just go back up to that link and play "over and underneath", the third one down. who knows, maybe i'll do some audio/video blogging in the new year =-)

you are not alone...

i don't have much to say tonight; but i'm trying to be more consistent. so here goes! recently i've been feeling a lot and there's been a lot on my mind, which, for those of you who know me, is nothing new. but tonight, i wanted to talk a little bit about what keeps my head and my heart from exploding with all that seems to fill it. you see, i have blessed with amazing people in my life. my friends are absolutely wonderful. they know me. they love me. they tell me the truth. they let me cry. they support me. they remind me of the Truth. they share their food with me. they cook for me. they laugh with me. they give me things to laugh about. they encourage me in my dreams. they sit by the charles river with me, even when it's dark and freezing outside. they are indignant when people mistreat me. one even yelled out into the charles river the things i was too sad to voice. i have amazing friends. in addition to my family, God has given me several people who care about me and who fight for me. these people remind me of how deeply God loves me. in many ways, they are a manifestation of His love for me, almost like He's employed them to do for me down here what He can't necessarily do for me in Heaven. i love that i am so cared for. and the most amazing thing is that when so many of my thoughts and feelings are centered around feeling rejected or insufficient or all those other things that satan assaults me with almost every moment of the day, i have the facts of those relationships as ammunition to fight those lies with. 


it's not easy. but i'm so glad that i'm not alone. i'm so glad that i have people looking after me. and i hope that i am even HALF the friend and support to my friends and family that they are to me. i hope that the people in my life know that i would do just about anything for them--that it would be my pleasure, not to mention the least i could do especially after all that He's done for me. AND, on top of that, i know that there are other people who are going through the emotional and mental battles that i go through daily, probably even to a more intense extent than i am. and let me tell you, i would love to do for them what is done for me. i would love to be used by Him to support them. 


that being said, i'm convinced that you are not alone. God Himself is with you and is constantly reaching out to you. i know that from my own experience and from the lives of the people around me. and i'm encouraged by the fact that no matter how i feel, i am not alone. no, i have people who love me, who feel for me, and who fight for me on God's behalf. 


"I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love." hosea 11:4a

now to Him...

hello to all! as usual, it's a been a while-an indicator of the area of my life that i'm ALWAYS working on: discipline. ::sigh:: i've been thinking a lot; rather, a lot has been in my head. sometimes i have a tendency to sit back and observe life instead of live it and this Thanksgiving break kind of ended up being the culmination (possibly) of what's been going on in my mind for like the past 3 weeks. so i apologize in advance if this doesn't seem to make any sense or if it's confusing. maybe me unpacking my mind will help you unpack yours. 


so there's been a lot on my mind
and yet nothing at all
demands on time
and yet my mind spins around like a ball
just rotating
and waiting to stop 
like the spinning top in inception
reality or deception
both ask for my hand
both reach out and stand to my side
while inside my mind spins
and it seems when it ends
it's just prepping to begin again
You're a blur
i'm unfocused
i've been hocus pocused 
by what
i don't know
but You know that the flow of mind
just wastes time 
and You stop me.
and You stop me.
You stop me.
You...
what if i just focus on You?
what if i just i just turn off my mind to the reason and the rhyme that i'm convinced are so true 
and just focus all my energy on You?
what if i just give You my all?
what if i just take all i have in my heart, in my mind, in my body, in my soul, in my gut
no matter what, or how big or how small?
what if i just give You my all?
my God, what if i hold nothing back?
what if i imitate abel laying out on the table everything i am able
nothing left
all poured out
that's what this life's about
without a doubt
my God, what if i hold nothing back?
stop...
the run-around has made it's presence known
but the One that i know speaks truth
and He calls me to stop the way i know 
turn around and go 
His way, the way, the truth, and the life
the run-around needs to stop
i think it's time to adopt
a new life
for me
from You
to me
for me
to me
from You
to me
for me
from You
to
me...
the me that You created me to be
the me that You fashioned before i came to be
the me that his world is convincing me to be
the me that is really me
the me the Lord has made
the me i want so badly to be
what if i just let all that seems in the way go
what if i let go and just take hold,
really take hold,
of You?


i don't like feeling stuck. i also don't like feeling like, rather, knowing that there is more that i should be doing or experiencing and not experiencing it. it's something that generally bothers me and that i am constantly working on. God, in His infinite patience, reveals the ways that i hold back from Him layer by layer, slowly and carefully. He shows me the ways i'm giving to Him and trusting Him and then He encourages me to trust Him in those areas of my life that i'm scared to trust Him about. His patience encourages me to trust. the perfection of His love encourages me to want to give Him my all. and He waits. i think the past month has been an example of that. there's is much i have no problem trusting God with. but my dreams? my desires? the passions of my heart that genuinely move me? it is the things closest to my heart that i fear letting go of and entrusting to Him completely. i HATE being fearful. but, 'tis my life and my Love knows that. it encourages me that God KNOWS me. He knows that i love theatre and music and the arts and want to use those things to reach people and have a hard time imagining my life without them. He knows the things i'm passionate about. my God created me with these passions; He knows what He's going to do with them. and i need to trust Him with that. 


it's been hard. i love the work that i'm doing with city year in boston but sometimes i get impatient with the fact that i'm not directly going after my dreams and passions right now. i look at the things that others are doing--especially people doing creative things--and i feel like that's what i'm supposed to doing right now. but i know that i'm where i'm supposed to be right now. i know that city year is what i'm supposed to be doing and in so many ways, i'm not ready to go after those huge desires of my heart. but when i'm just going and going, i feel the need to rush God's process and time. i fear that i'm missing out on what i'm really supposed to to be doing, where i'm really supposed to be. and i don't like feeling that way. all that being said, i'm really trying to trust God's plan for my life and enjoy where i am now. God was teaching me this lesson in jersey as well, with smaller things, so it's cool to think that He's trying to get me to carry that lesson through the things that are super close to my heart. at the end, i have to remember that God cares about me. He created me with the heart that i have and the desires within it and has a dream for me that i can't even begin to fathom. and the only way i'll miss it is if i don't hold on to the truth about who God is--and how i see Him use the skills, talents and passions of those i see in scripture who entrusted their hearts and all that's in them to Him who made our hearts. He is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than ALL i ask or imagine. so we better brace ourselves. i love you all.

it's been a while...

hello all! man it's been a long time. it's a little weird because even thought there's been a lot going on out here with me, there also hasn't. but i'll share anyway. as i write to you, i'm actually on a bus on my way to new jersey. i need to visit. as much as i love boston and so much about boston, i miss central so so so so much. the spiritual transition here has been interesting. i'm still transitioning and trying to get to know both the church as a whole and individuals. i miss my friendships in central, especially with brothers. the relationships we're able to have as brothers and sisters in Christ are really amazing and being out here makes me super grateful for people like sammy and hector and leinz and kyle and alex and brent and eric and johnny and neil and so many others who just care about me as their sister. i hope to find friendships and relationships equivalent to those out here in beantown. so please pray for that. i know that that will take effort on my part and i want to remain willing and hopeful. 

with respect to city year, i am absolutely in love. city year is incredible. the organization is built on these beautiful key principles and founding stories. i feel inspired to dream and serve and figure out how to use my dream to serve. i'm going to try my best to explain what city year is that way i can really explain the work that i'm doing. city year is a service organization associated with americorps that seeks to decrease the national drop-out crisis by placing young idealist youths--ages 17-25--in classrooms from elementary school to high school in order to provide in-class and one-on-one support to students. in addition to having teams in schools, boston also has a civic engagement team that works to engage communities in and surrounding boston in service in their very own community. this includes many beautification projects that seek to change the feel of community and develop perhaps a lost pride in the communities in and surrounding boston. there are 10 teams in schools out here and 1 civic engagement team. there is also a group of second year corps members that serve to help make our service and city year experience all that it can be. they serve as leaders on teams and in headquarters, organizing our training as well as helping us with our service in the schools either by being in the schools with us or providing trainings on mentoring and tutoring, as well as giving us a means to tell our story through blogs and newsletters and such. 

that being said, when i came to city year, i kinda wanted to take a break from youth. i love teens, yes. and i love working with teens. but the idea or perhaps building some other skills was really appealing to me. i applied for the boston civic engagement team, excited to figure out how to actively engage communities in building themselves up through service and beautification projects. but as the first week of city passed, that really began to change. i had the opportunity to hear from michael brown, one of the founders of city year, as well as stephen spaloss, a member of the earliest boston corps who had met bill clinton and given him his own city year sweatshirt off of his back. they spoke about the work that city year is doing in the schools and the work that city year can do in the schools. they spoke about the need and their own service. i began desiring to have that kind of impact--the kind that comes from face-to-face contact with a child.

but it didn't stop there. we had a "school fair" where each school presented and that got me. i knew i needed to be in the schools. but i wasn't sure what school. i ended up getting placed at the one high school that boston is serving at this year (it's boston's first time in a high school). and to be honest, i wasn't happy at first. i really wanted to do something different and this felt like more of the same. but to my great surprise it totally wasn't . it has been incredible working with my teammates and working with high school students in this kind of way. i feel like i'm a true liaison between teacher and student--both a tutor and a mentor. we had about 6 weeks of concentrated training both in the school and at headquarters and it's been wonderful getting to know my teammates and seeing the impact we're having in the school, even after such a short period of time. i couldn't have been more perfectly placed by God.

it's been exhausting; some days are longer--much longer--than others. and there are times when being around my team my patience is tried and it's hard to just be grateful. but sharing about it with others really helps me to remain grateful. i mean, i prayed to be placed where i would have the most impact on my team and the people that i'm serving and God has answered that with the very people i'm working with--both team and students. sharing about my experience helps me remember that. and in that way--and so many others--i'm practically reminded of the relationship between sharing about the things we're grateful for and actually remaining grateful. it's no different with God. 

that being said, i'm gonna go now. i began this entry on the bus on my way to jersey and now i need to catch the bus back. my weekend retreat in jersey was wonderful. thank-you all for reminding me of how much i have to be grateful for and how blessed i am through my relationships in central. until next time...hopefully it won't be so long next time.

i love you! remember what you're grateful for! and share about it with others! gratitude and positive energy are uber-contagious =-)