a little something...

hey guys! i'm sorry that i didn't blog this tuesday! this week has been CRAZY. crazy...but absolutely amazing. i'll have to fill you all in on details at some point next week. there is A LOT. but it is all good stuff. anywayz, i just wanted to drop a little something that hopefully shadows what is to come in the next blog.

where am i supposed to be? 

where

am i

supposed

to be?

often times this question arises in my mind

like a virus or miley cyrus it just won't go away

it's here to stay

and the price i pay?

my sanity.

where am i supposed to be?

i've often looked to others to define this for me.

i've watched their lives

jealously desired their strengths

either never seeing my own or viewing them with pride in the way

questioning:

who am i to question You?

why do they have what i want?

what do You want for me?

how can i give that to You?

when will i finally see?

where...

where am i supposed to be?

you see my mind is full of all sorts of things

but i must take a step back to see what it is You see

you see...

the truth. 

the truth.

the truth.

i'd been running from who i am for so long that the person in the mirror seemed so far gone

i was scared to be

i was scared of me.

but You weren't. 

and You patiently waited 

and guided

and waited 

and guided 

and waited

and earned what should  be freely given to You of all beings.

my trust.

You waited for my trust.

and now

with my hand in Your hand

we run

i run

not from, but to

You.

because ultimately the answer to that infamous question

the one that plagues me daily despite constant interventions

the one that remains suspended in my mind without any hope of settling:

where am i supposed to be?

the answer is

with You.

i hope this is encouraging. my time in boston has been amazing so far. i'm learning so much through city year [the program that i'm with for the year]; God is showing me so much. i'm learning how to be joyful again and to really give my heart and i'm seeing how even though satan doesn't relent with respect to his attacks, with God, i can truly remain unshaken. and through God working in my heart and on my heart in such personal and deep ways, ways that i honestly never thought would or could really be changed in me, He shown me how real He is. and how much He loves me. because anyone willing to get their hands dirty by delving into the recesses of my heart, anyone who is patient enough to wait for me to get to a place where i can deal with the things in my heart, anyone who would give their son up for me so that i could be set free--liberated, emancipated, set free--from all that traps and oppresses me, anyone who does all that must love me. He must love me very much. and the cool thing is that He wants to do this for everybody: free them from what oppresses them--sin and the residue from it (from both our own and the sin of others). anywayz, like i said, i'll try to give details about what is actually going on some time next week. until then:

"this is what the Lord Almighty says:

'the people of israel are oppressed, and the people of judah as well. all their captors hold them fast, refusing to let them go. yet their Redeemer is strong; the Lord Almighty is His name. He will vigorously defend their cause so that He may bring rest to their land...'"

(jeremiah 50:33-34)

whatever "holds us fast"--addictions, pain, sin, whatever it may be--God is stronger. He will rescue us and provide rest to the land that is oppressed--be it our hearts or our minds. indeed through Jesus He already has. (hebrews 9:15)

i'll talk to you later!

=-)

in the beginning...

[this is me in the fountain thingie at copley square]

hi all! wow...i can't believe i'm actually doing this. so for those of you who know me you know that i always have something on my mind, ALWAYS. lately it's been a little weird because the things on my mind haven't necessarily been bursting to get out. it's funny: when i have no blog, i have SO much to say. then when i have a blog: NOTHING. well not nothing...just babble. well, WELCOME TO MY BLOG! i'm gonna try to get to it as often as i can--at least once a week and hopefully more. i can't promise that i'll always have something interesting to say but i will try to keep you updated with me as well as let you inside my head a little bit =-) WARNING: my head is a little jumbled. it's filled with thoughts on twilight, dawson's creek, scriptures, God and our relationship with Him, music, books, ALL SORTS OF THINGS. so until i get used to this blog thing and more settled, you may get a little bit of all of those things at some point or another throughout the year. okay, enough of the introduction. let me let you know what's been up with me.

alrighty. my first few days here have been great so far. i'm just in the process of unpacking all my stuff (thank-you alex, tiffany, and kyle for carrying it up the stairs!) and getting myself organized. i have WAY TOO MUCH STUFF! that's what you realize when you move. i need to just sell things or give it away. anywayz, it's been nice to be with mercedes. i feel like God carried me from the arms of one family to the arms of another, never letting my feet--or my emotions in this case--hit the ground. He's showing me that He's with me everywhere and i don't have to fear my emotions or even experience such crazy waves of them when i focus on Him and His consistency. that being said, i cried in my room when kyle, alex, and tiffany left. it's hard fighting satan, especially because he's so relentless and stops at nothing to steal my joy. on top of that, i think finally getting here things started to become real and the tears just burst out. it was a quick cry but a needed one. i haven't been sleeping so i stayed up really late and went to church the next day with mercedes. the message was AMAZING. it was on 1 corinthians 15--the resurrection. the communion message was on, get this: new beginnings. the speaker really focused on how we have a new beginning and freedom from the things that trap us and hold us down--our sin, our addictions, even our pain--in Jesus. it was really encouraging. i got to meet people, but not an overwhelming amount. God gave me just what i could handle. He's amazing like that.

today was a big day. it was my first unofficial day of city year. i was nervous and scared as usual. in situations with lots of people i have a tendency to compare myself and to everybody else around and go in to competition mode. so i was on guard for my nature. i prayed about the day and God helped me to focus on the truth before i had to be around everybody. He reminded me that He has called me by name and that i am His (isaiah 43). He reminded me that if i love his law and obey it He will give me peace (psalm 119:165). He reminded me that it is Him who makes my way perfect (psalm 18) and that i am flawless (song of songs 4:7). after wrapping that belt tightly around me i was able to confidently go in to registration today and give which was so nice...and really freeing. the people i met today seem really amazing. i'm so excited to get to know them and to work with them. i know that my insecurities are going to come up throughout the year but i'm encouraged to know that no matter how i feel God's truth is still God's truth. and His truth about me is His truth about me. 

please continue to pray for me! i really want to learn all that God wants me to learn while i'm here. pray that i can "live as [a child] of the light (for the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth)" and that i can "find out what pleases the Lord" daily. i love you! thanks for reading! 

because i don't know who's reading this blog everything is pretty general. if you want to know specifics about the things that i'm going through, feel free to facebook message me or email me. i love getting deep.

UNTIL NEXT TIME...FIND OUT WHAT PLEASES THE LORD! =-)