"you are what has been done for you"

perhaps we're bound by the sound of the beast in our own voices

telling us that we will never be that which He calls and believes us to be

that which He sent His son to die for

once for all

all the world

all our sins

all my sin

perhaps it is he who, speaking to us in the guise of our own voices,

lies to our faces

in the spaces where His truth has not yet penetrated deep enough

to fill the cracks of doubt.

he lies in our own voice

leaving us with no choice but to believe one of two things:

either 

we're lying to ourselves and we are in fact the beast,

or

the lie is no lie at all, but in fact the truth

neither of which identifies the real culprit:

satan himself.

"you will never be what He knows you can be."

"your potential will always be wasted."

"you are only as valuable as your talents."

"your worth comes from what makes you different from others."

"if He really knew you..."

"you are the problem."

"if any one really knew you..."

"you are unlovable."

"you'll never be beautiful enough."

"He cannot be trusted with your dreams."

"He cares about others more than He cares about you."

"you are and will always be a let-down to Him."

"hide

your

self"

i hear myself say.

and on and on

and on and on

and on 

and on 

and on.

so...

what lies does he tell you in your own voice?

dispel them with the Truth.

“Your potential will be realized as you allow My Spirit to live through you.” 
“You are as valuable as the blood of Jesus.”
“Your worth comes from what I’ve done for you. “

“I do know you.”

"you are not the problem; sin is."

“if anyone really knew you, they would have the opportunity to show you a glimpse of how I love you.”

“You are loved by Me.”

“all beautiful you are My darling…”

“I give dreams.”

“I do not show favoritism…”

“you are the joy set before Me.”

“shine

your

light.”
His word must trump the lies,

though loud those lies may be

perhaps i need to trade my eyes for a pair that really sees

i could continue to see myself through the lens of the father of lies

but therein lies the problem

a problem He has solved.

i am not what i do or what i can do

i am not my past faults or mistakes

i am not my past successes or triumphs

or my present ones for that matter

no

i am not what i have done

i am what has been done for me

Jesus died on the cross for me

for me

and though assaulted daily i may be

that is the truth that trumps them all

my worth and value rest in what can never be reversed

through Jesus, God has declared my worth.

hey all! one of my friends from work helped me discover this online playlist module called grooveshark. it's like pandora except you create your own playlist so that the songs that play are songs that you have directly chosen, not just songs that the computer decides you may like. needless to say, i love it. anywayz, i was in jersey for the past week and my first morning there, i woke up feeling really uneasy. my mind was all over the place, as was my heart, and i was having a hard time quieting my emotions. surprise surprise. so i decided to create a playlist. i titled it "refocus" and found a bunch of tenth avenue north songs that i added to the list, along with some other things. while i was listening to my newly formed playlist and writing in my journal, song after song began to refocus my mind and heart on the truths about God--that He cares about me, that He's always there with me, that, though i may feel it strongly, i am not rejected, that i am not alone and He understands, and so on and so forth. well, as i was finishing up my time with God, what i thought was a song i had added began to play. it was in fact an audio blog entry from the lead singer of tenth avenue north, mike. he talked about the title of one of their albums, "the light meets the dark"

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/song?q=the%20light%20meets%20the%20dark%20pre-sale

(this is the link, just run your cursor by the first one on the list and click on the play button to the left of it) and, though everything he said resonated with me, one thing that he said has continued to float around my heart and head. he said "you are not what you do; you are what has been done for you." he spoke about how this gives us the freedom to be because we no longer have to be concerned with how we look to other people. the idea that when we realize what and who our identity lies in, we are able to bring our darkness into the light, allowing people to see what we know and what He knows about us already: that we are messed up. that when we connect our value and worth to our actions we live in fear of what we do before people because they will relate those things to who we are. for me, i relate so much of my worth to what i do and what i'm capable of. it's a vicious trap that makes my worth contingent on others and ultimately feeds the insatiable appetite of my insecurity. and it's a lie. one of satan's many lies that i'm sure he uses on other people besides me. the truth is that i am what has been done for me. and that is both comforting and humbling and points me in the direction of Jesus. so yea, i wanted to share that with you guys and to encourage you too. you are not what you do or have done or will do; you are what has been done for you. and i am learning that there is much freedom in that. 

oh! and if you want to listen to some more of mike from tenth avenue north just go back up to that link and play "over and underneath", the third one down. who knows, maybe i'll do some audio/video blogging in the new year =-)

you are not alone...

i don't have much to say tonight; but i'm trying to be more consistent. so here goes! recently i've been feeling a lot and there's been a lot on my mind, which, for those of you who know me, is nothing new. but tonight, i wanted to talk a little bit about what keeps my head and my heart from exploding with all that seems to fill it. you see, i have blessed with amazing people in my life. my friends are absolutely wonderful. they know me. they love me. they tell me the truth. they let me cry. they support me. they remind me of the Truth. they share their food with me. they cook for me. they laugh with me. they give me things to laugh about. they encourage me in my dreams. they sit by the charles river with me, even when it's dark and freezing outside. they are indignant when people mistreat me. one even yelled out into the charles river the things i was too sad to voice. i have amazing friends. in addition to my family, God has given me several people who care about me and who fight for me. these people remind me of how deeply God loves me. in many ways, they are a manifestation of His love for me, almost like He's employed them to do for me down here what He can't necessarily do for me in Heaven. i love that i am so cared for. and the most amazing thing is that when so many of my thoughts and feelings are centered around feeling rejected or insufficient or all those other things that satan assaults me with almost every moment of the day, i have the facts of those relationships as ammunition to fight those lies with. 


it's not easy. but i'm so glad that i'm not alone. i'm so glad that i have people looking after me. and i hope that i am even HALF the friend and support to my friends and family that they are to me. i hope that the people in my life know that i would do just about anything for them--that it would be my pleasure, not to mention the least i could do especially after all that He's done for me. AND, on top of that, i know that there are other people who are going through the emotional and mental battles that i go through daily, probably even to a more intense extent than i am. and let me tell you, i would love to do for them what is done for me. i would love to be used by Him to support them. 


that being said, i'm convinced that you are not alone. God Himself is with you and is constantly reaching out to you. i know that from my own experience and from the lives of the people around me. and i'm encouraged by the fact that no matter how i feel, i am not alone. no, i have people who love me, who feel for me, and who fight for me on God's behalf. 


"I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love." hosea 11:4a

now to Him...

hello to all! as usual, it's a been a while-an indicator of the area of my life that i'm ALWAYS working on: discipline. ::sigh:: i've been thinking a lot; rather, a lot has been in my head. sometimes i have a tendency to sit back and observe life instead of live it and this Thanksgiving break kind of ended up being the culmination (possibly) of what's been going on in my mind for like the past 3 weeks. so i apologize in advance if this doesn't seem to make any sense or if it's confusing. maybe me unpacking my mind will help you unpack yours. 


so there's been a lot on my mind
and yet nothing at all
demands on time
and yet my mind spins around like a ball
just rotating
and waiting to stop 
like the spinning top in inception
reality or deception
both ask for my hand
both reach out and stand to my side
while inside my mind spins
and it seems when it ends
it's just prepping to begin again
You're a blur
i'm unfocused
i've been hocus pocused 
by what
i don't know
but You know that the flow of mind
just wastes time 
and You stop me.
and You stop me.
You stop me.
You...
what if i just focus on You?
what if i just i just turn off my mind to the reason and the rhyme that i'm convinced are so true 
and just focus all my energy on You?
what if i just give You my all?
what if i just take all i have in my heart, in my mind, in my body, in my soul, in my gut
no matter what, or how big or how small?
what if i just give You my all?
my God, what if i hold nothing back?
what if i imitate abel laying out on the table everything i am able
nothing left
all poured out
that's what this life's about
without a doubt
my God, what if i hold nothing back?
stop...
the run-around has made it's presence known
but the One that i know speaks truth
and He calls me to stop the way i know 
turn around and go 
His way, the way, the truth, and the life
the run-around needs to stop
i think it's time to adopt
a new life
for me
from You
to me
for me
to me
from You
to me
for me
from You
to
me...
the me that You created me to be
the me that You fashioned before i came to be
the me that his world is convincing me to be
the me that is really me
the me the Lord has made
the me i want so badly to be
what if i just let all that seems in the way go
what if i let go and just take hold,
really take hold,
of You?


i don't like feeling stuck. i also don't like feeling like, rather, knowing that there is more that i should be doing or experiencing and not experiencing it. it's something that generally bothers me and that i am constantly working on. God, in His infinite patience, reveals the ways that i hold back from Him layer by layer, slowly and carefully. He shows me the ways i'm giving to Him and trusting Him and then He encourages me to trust Him in those areas of my life that i'm scared to trust Him about. His patience encourages me to trust. the perfection of His love encourages me to want to give Him my all. and He waits. i think the past month has been an example of that. there's is much i have no problem trusting God with. but my dreams? my desires? the passions of my heart that genuinely move me? it is the things closest to my heart that i fear letting go of and entrusting to Him completely. i HATE being fearful. but, 'tis my life and my Love knows that. it encourages me that God KNOWS me. He knows that i love theatre and music and the arts and want to use those things to reach people and have a hard time imagining my life without them. He knows the things i'm passionate about. my God created me with these passions; He knows what He's going to do with them. and i need to trust Him with that. 


it's been hard. i love the work that i'm doing with city year in boston but sometimes i get impatient with the fact that i'm not directly going after my dreams and passions right now. i look at the things that others are doing--especially people doing creative things--and i feel like that's what i'm supposed to doing right now. but i know that i'm where i'm supposed to be right now. i know that city year is what i'm supposed to be doing and in so many ways, i'm not ready to go after those huge desires of my heart. but when i'm just going and going, i feel the need to rush God's process and time. i fear that i'm missing out on what i'm really supposed to to be doing, where i'm really supposed to be. and i don't like feeling that way. all that being said, i'm really trying to trust God's plan for my life and enjoy where i am now. God was teaching me this lesson in jersey as well, with smaller things, so it's cool to think that He's trying to get me to carry that lesson through the things that are super close to my heart. at the end, i have to remember that God cares about me. He created me with the heart that i have and the desires within it and has a dream for me that i can't even begin to fathom. and the only way i'll miss it is if i don't hold on to the truth about who God is--and how i see Him use the skills, talents and passions of those i see in scripture who entrusted their hearts and all that's in them to Him who made our hearts. He is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than ALL i ask or imagine. so we better brace ourselves. i love you all.

it's been a while...

hello all! man it's been a long time. it's a little weird because even thought there's been a lot going on out here with me, there also hasn't. but i'll share anyway. as i write to you, i'm actually on a bus on my way to new jersey. i need to visit. as much as i love boston and so much about boston, i miss central so so so so much. the spiritual transition here has been interesting. i'm still transitioning and trying to get to know both the church as a whole and individuals. i miss my friendships in central, especially with brothers. the relationships we're able to have as brothers and sisters in Christ are really amazing and being out here makes me super grateful for people like sammy and hector and leinz and kyle and alex and brent and eric and johnny and neil and so many others who just care about me as their sister. i hope to find friendships and relationships equivalent to those out here in beantown. so please pray for that. i know that that will take effort on my part and i want to remain willing and hopeful. 

with respect to city year, i am absolutely in love. city year is incredible. the organization is built on these beautiful key principles and founding stories. i feel inspired to dream and serve and figure out how to use my dream to serve. i'm going to try my best to explain what city year is that way i can really explain the work that i'm doing. city year is a service organization associated with americorps that seeks to decrease the national drop-out crisis by placing young idealist youths--ages 17-25--in classrooms from elementary school to high school in order to provide in-class and one-on-one support to students. in addition to having teams in schools, boston also has a civic engagement team that works to engage communities in and surrounding boston in service in their very own community. this includes many beautification projects that seek to change the feel of community and develop perhaps a lost pride in the communities in and surrounding boston. there are 10 teams in schools out here and 1 civic engagement team. there is also a group of second year corps members that serve to help make our service and city year experience all that it can be. they serve as leaders on teams and in headquarters, organizing our training as well as helping us with our service in the schools either by being in the schools with us or providing trainings on mentoring and tutoring, as well as giving us a means to tell our story through blogs and newsletters and such. 

that being said, when i came to city year, i kinda wanted to take a break from youth. i love teens, yes. and i love working with teens. but the idea or perhaps building some other skills was really appealing to me. i applied for the boston civic engagement team, excited to figure out how to actively engage communities in building themselves up through service and beautification projects. but as the first week of city passed, that really began to change. i had the opportunity to hear from michael brown, one of the founders of city year, as well as stephen spaloss, a member of the earliest boston corps who had met bill clinton and given him his own city year sweatshirt off of his back. they spoke about the work that city year is doing in the schools and the work that city year can do in the schools. they spoke about the need and their own service. i began desiring to have that kind of impact--the kind that comes from face-to-face contact with a child.

but it didn't stop there. we had a "school fair" where each school presented and that got me. i knew i needed to be in the schools. but i wasn't sure what school. i ended up getting placed at the one high school that boston is serving at this year (it's boston's first time in a high school). and to be honest, i wasn't happy at first. i really wanted to do something different and this felt like more of the same. but to my great surprise it totally wasn't . it has been incredible working with my teammates and working with high school students in this kind of way. i feel like i'm a true liaison between teacher and student--both a tutor and a mentor. we had about 6 weeks of concentrated training both in the school and at headquarters and it's been wonderful getting to know my teammates and seeing the impact we're having in the school, even after such a short period of time. i couldn't have been more perfectly placed by God.

it's been exhausting; some days are longer--much longer--than others. and there are times when being around my team my patience is tried and it's hard to just be grateful. but sharing about it with others really helps me to remain grateful. i mean, i prayed to be placed where i would have the most impact on my team and the people that i'm serving and God has answered that with the very people i'm working with--both team and students. sharing about my experience helps me remember that. and in that way--and so many others--i'm practically reminded of the relationship between sharing about the things we're grateful for and actually remaining grateful. it's no different with God. 

that being said, i'm gonna go now. i began this entry on the bus on my way to jersey and now i need to catch the bus back. my weekend retreat in jersey was wonderful. thank-you all for reminding me of how much i have to be grateful for and how blessed i am through my relationships in central. until next time...hopefully it won't be so long next time.

i love you! remember what you're grateful for! and share about it with others! gratitude and positive energy are uber-contagious =-)

a little something...

hey guys! i'm sorry that i didn't blog this tuesday! this week has been CRAZY. crazy...but absolutely amazing. i'll have to fill you all in on details at some point next week. there is A LOT. but it is all good stuff. anywayz, i just wanted to drop a little something that hopefully shadows what is to come in the next blog.

where am i supposed to be? 

where

am i

supposed

to be?

often times this question arises in my mind

like a virus or miley cyrus it just won't go away

it's here to stay

and the price i pay?

my sanity.

where am i supposed to be?

i've often looked to others to define this for me.

i've watched their lives

jealously desired their strengths

either never seeing my own or viewing them with pride in the way

questioning:

who am i to question You?

why do they have what i want?

what do You want for me?

how can i give that to You?

when will i finally see?

where...

where am i supposed to be?

you see my mind is full of all sorts of things

but i must take a step back to see what it is You see

you see...

the truth. 

the truth.

the truth.

i'd been running from who i am for so long that the person in the mirror seemed so far gone

i was scared to be

i was scared of me.

but You weren't. 

and You patiently waited 

and guided

and waited 

and guided 

and waited

and earned what should  be freely given to You of all beings.

my trust.

You waited for my trust.

and now

with my hand in Your hand

we run

i run

not from, but to

You.

because ultimately the answer to that infamous question

the one that plagues me daily despite constant interventions

the one that remains suspended in my mind without any hope of settling:

where am i supposed to be?

the answer is

with You.

i hope this is encouraging. my time in boston has been amazing so far. i'm learning so much through city year [the program that i'm with for the year]; God is showing me so much. i'm learning how to be joyful again and to really give my heart and i'm seeing how even though satan doesn't relent with respect to his attacks, with God, i can truly remain unshaken. and through God working in my heart and on my heart in such personal and deep ways, ways that i honestly never thought would or could really be changed in me, He shown me how real He is. and how much He loves me. because anyone willing to get their hands dirty by delving into the recesses of my heart, anyone who is patient enough to wait for me to get to a place where i can deal with the things in my heart, anyone who would give their son up for me so that i could be set free--liberated, emancipated, set free--from all that traps and oppresses me, anyone who does all that must love me. He must love me very much. and the cool thing is that He wants to do this for everybody: free them from what oppresses them--sin and the residue from it (from both our own and the sin of others). anywayz, like i said, i'll try to give details about what is actually going on some time next week. until then:

"this is what the Lord Almighty says:

'the people of israel are oppressed, and the people of judah as well. all their captors hold them fast, refusing to let them go. yet their Redeemer is strong; the Lord Almighty is His name. He will vigorously defend their cause so that He may bring rest to their land...'"

(jeremiah 50:33-34)

whatever "holds us fast"--addictions, pain, sin, whatever it may be--God is stronger. He will rescue us and provide rest to the land that is oppressed--be it our hearts or our minds. indeed through Jesus He already has. (hebrews 9:15)

i'll talk to you later!

=-)

in the beginning...

[this is me in the fountain thingie at copley square]

hi all! wow...i can't believe i'm actually doing this. so for those of you who know me you know that i always have something on my mind, ALWAYS. lately it's been a little weird because the things on my mind haven't necessarily been bursting to get out. it's funny: when i have no blog, i have SO much to say. then when i have a blog: NOTHING. well not nothing...just babble. well, WELCOME TO MY BLOG! i'm gonna try to get to it as often as i can--at least once a week and hopefully more. i can't promise that i'll always have something interesting to say but i will try to keep you updated with me as well as let you inside my head a little bit =-) WARNING: my head is a little jumbled. it's filled with thoughts on twilight, dawson's creek, scriptures, God and our relationship with Him, music, books, ALL SORTS OF THINGS. so until i get used to this blog thing and more settled, you may get a little bit of all of those things at some point or another throughout the year. okay, enough of the introduction. let me let you know what's been up with me.

alrighty. my first few days here have been great so far. i'm just in the process of unpacking all my stuff (thank-you alex, tiffany, and kyle for carrying it up the stairs!) and getting myself organized. i have WAY TOO MUCH STUFF! that's what you realize when you move. i need to just sell things or give it away. anywayz, it's been nice to be with mercedes. i feel like God carried me from the arms of one family to the arms of another, never letting my feet--or my emotions in this case--hit the ground. He's showing me that He's with me everywhere and i don't have to fear my emotions or even experience such crazy waves of them when i focus on Him and His consistency. that being said, i cried in my room when kyle, alex, and tiffany left. it's hard fighting satan, especially because he's so relentless and stops at nothing to steal my joy. on top of that, i think finally getting here things started to become real and the tears just burst out. it was a quick cry but a needed one. i haven't been sleeping so i stayed up really late and went to church the next day with mercedes. the message was AMAZING. it was on 1 corinthians 15--the resurrection. the communion message was on, get this: new beginnings. the speaker really focused on how we have a new beginning and freedom from the things that trap us and hold us down--our sin, our addictions, even our pain--in Jesus. it was really encouraging. i got to meet people, but not an overwhelming amount. God gave me just what i could handle. He's amazing like that.

today was a big day. it was my first unofficial day of city year. i was nervous and scared as usual. in situations with lots of people i have a tendency to compare myself and to everybody else around and go in to competition mode. so i was on guard for my nature. i prayed about the day and God helped me to focus on the truth before i had to be around everybody. He reminded me that He has called me by name and that i am His (isaiah 43). He reminded me that if i love his law and obey it He will give me peace (psalm 119:165). He reminded me that it is Him who makes my way perfect (psalm 18) and that i am flawless (song of songs 4:7). after wrapping that belt tightly around me i was able to confidently go in to registration today and give which was so nice...and really freeing. the people i met today seem really amazing. i'm so excited to get to know them and to work with them. i know that my insecurities are going to come up throughout the year but i'm encouraged to know that no matter how i feel God's truth is still God's truth. and His truth about me is His truth about me. 

please continue to pray for me! i really want to learn all that God wants me to learn while i'm here. pray that i can "live as [a child] of the light (for the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth)" and that i can "find out what pleases the Lord" daily. i love you! thanks for reading! 

because i don't know who's reading this blog everything is pretty general. if you want to know specifics about the things that i'm going through, feel free to facebook message me or email me. i love getting deep.

UNTIL NEXT TIME...FIND OUT WHAT PLEASES THE LORD! =-)