now to Him...

hello to all! as usual, it's a been a while-an indicator of the area of my life that i'm ALWAYS working on: discipline. ::sigh:: i've been thinking a lot; rather, a lot has been in my head. sometimes i have a tendency to sit back and observe life instead of live it and this Thanksgiving break kind of ended up being the culmination (possibly) of what's been going on in my mind for like the past 3 weeks. so i apologize in advance if this doesn't seem to make any sense or if it's confusing. maybe me unpacking my mind will help you unpack yours. 


so there's been a lot on my mind
and yet nothing at all
demands on time
and yet my mind spins around like a ball
just rotating
and waiting to stop 
like the spinning top in inception
reality or deception
both ask for my hand
both reach out and stand to my side
while inside my mind spins
and it seems when it ends
it's just prepping to begin again
You're a blur
i'm unfocused
i've been hocus pocused 
by what
i don't know
but You know that the flow of mind
just wastes time 
and You stop me.
and You stop me.
You stop me.
You...
what if i just focus on You?
what if i just i just turn off my mind to the reason and the rhyme that i'm convinced are so true 
and just focus all my energy on You?
what if i just give You my all?
what if i just take all i have in my heart, in my mind, in my body, in my soul, in my gut
no matter what, or how big or how small?
what if i just give You my all?
my God, what if i hold nothing back?
what if i imitate abel laying out on the table everything i am able
nothing left
all poured out
that's what this life's about
without a doubt
my God, what if i hold nothing back?
stop...
the run-around has made it's presence known
but the One that i know speaks truth
and He calls me to stop the way i know 
turn around and go 
His way, the way, the truth, and the life
the run-around needs to stop
i think it's time to adopt
a new life
for me
from You
to me
for me
to me
from You
to me
for me
from You
to
me...
the me that You created me to be
the me that You fashioned before i came to be
the me that his world is convincing me to be
the me that is really me
the me the Lord has made
the me i want so badly to be
what if i just let all that seems in the way go
what if i let go and just take hold,
really take hold,
of You?


i don't like feeling stuck. i also don't like feeling like, rather, knowing that there is more that i should be doing or experiencing and not experiencing it. it's something that generally bothers me and that i am constantly working on. God, in His infinite patience, reveals the ways that i hold back from Him layer by layer, slowly and carefully. He shows me the ways i'm giving to Him and trusting Him and then He encourages me to trust Him in those areas of my life that i'm scared to trust Him about. His patience encourages me to trust. the perfection of His love encourages me to want to give Him my all. and He waits. i think the past month has been an example of that. there's is much i have no problem trusting God with. but my dreams? my desires? the passions of my heart that genuinely move me? it is the things closest to my heart that i fear letting go of and entrusting to Him completely. i HATE being fearful. but, 'tis my life and my Love knows that. it encourages me that God KNOWS me. He knows that i love theatre and music and the arts and want to use those things to reach people and have a hard time imagining my life without them. He knows the things i'm passionate about. my God created me with these passions; He knows what He's going to do with them. and i need to trust Him with that. 


it's been hard. i love the work that i'm doing with city year in boston but sometimes i get impatient with the fact that i'm not directly going after my dreams and passions right now. i look at the things that others are doing--especially people doing creative things--and i feel like that's what i'm supposed to doing right now. but i know that i'm where i'm supposed to be right now. i know that city year is what i'm supposed to be doing and in so many ways, i'm not ready to go after those huge desires of my heart. but when i'm just going and going, i feel the need to rush God's process and time. i fear that i'm missing out on what i'm really supposed to to be doing, where i'm really supposed to be. and i don't like feeling that way. all that being said, i'm really trying to trust God's plan for my life and enjoy where i am now. God was teaching me this lesson in jersey as well, with smaller things, so it's cool to think that He's trying to get me to carry that lesson through the things that are super close to my heart. at the end, i have to remember that God cares about me. He created me with the heart that i have and the desires within it and has a dream for me that i can't even begin to fathom. and the only way i'll miss it is if i don't hold on to the truth about who God is--and how i see Him use the skills, talents and passions of those i see in scripture who entrusted their hearts and all that's in them to Him who made our hearts. He is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than ALL i ask or imagine. so we better brace ourselves. i love you all.